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Saturday, September 23rd, 2006

Subject:just wanted to say..
Posted by:sadcharlie.
Time:8:21 am.
so..what's going on? how is everyone??
I just wanted to say that if anyone ever needed or wanted someone to talk to they can feel free to give me a holler..I imigine I'm as troubled as the next person, but even big scary guys can turn out to be understanding..
Comments: grab the blade.

Wednesday, September 20th, 2006

Subject:incoming strangeness
Posted by:sadcharlie.
Time:4:27 pm.
I just wanted to say hi..I just found the community here and I think it looks nice...err..that sounded weird..
Comments: 1 cut - grab the blade.

Monday, December 5th, 2005

Posted by:kay_lala16.
Time:10:55 am.
i honestly have no idea what the hell is wrong with me, but there's something not quite right with my mind. i cut and when i get angry i punch things and i bang my head when i'm frustrated...whatever, pain...
Comments: grab the blade.

Thursday, December 1st, 2005

Posted by:thexwordxman.
Time:6:00 pm.
Mood: depressed.
i believe this is the best community for me. I have been struggling with my addiction for the past eight years or so. It feels like slow suicide and many times i just want to make it a fast one altho i cant bring myself to do anything. It feels horrible when i see the fruits of my addiction on those around me and when I am not in the throes of my addiction I feel like a lost soul. I feel like there is nothing else for me in the world. Damned if I do and damned if i dont. Catch22. I just dont know what the fuck to do with myself and my life.I messed up my record pretty good and that stops me from having good jobs. I am home with my mother who I dont like being around. Every day is a struggle to make it to the next day. I am lost. I cant even see any roads to freedom or anywhere else.
Comments: grab the blade.

Wednesday, August 24th, 2005

Subject:nothing at all
Posted by:ihaveanumber.
Time:3:36 pm.
Mood: melancholy.
hey all.

been lost for a long time now, so i guess this is the place for me. The first community i've joined and i've been on lj for about a year. I usually don't have alot to say, because it seems no one ever wants to listen. there's more about me on my journal, for anyone with a morbid curiousity. Oh, and i was wondering if anyone had read the book "Lost Souls" by poppy z. brite. If not, i seriously recommend it.
Comments: grab the blade.

Friday, April 8th, 2005

Posted by:psycho.
Time:8:24 pm.
Breathing soundly
footsteps so damn close behind me
seeing, believing
i know my time is crawling to me
beneath you, i will be
drowning in bloody misery
feeling, killing
the numbness fades and then i die
Comments: grab the blade.

Tuesday, September 14th, 2004

Subject:Did you ever get caught?
Posted by:madteenmind.
Time:1:04 am.
cuz i usually cut on my arm.. but no one really seems to care or notice it. i don't want them to know though, which is kidda weird cuz i should prolly do it somewhere else. eh.. whatevers.
Comments: 2 cuts - grab the blade.

Sunday, September 5th, 2004

Subject:What if...
Posted by:unsettled_soul.
Time:8:02 am.
Mood: curious.

If tonight I die,

Who will cry?

Strangers with their feigned interest,

While those I love have turned away.

And if my best isn't good enough,

What more can I give?

Go ahead--walk away.

Just leave me here alone.

And if tonight I die,

Who will cry?

All my strength is drained,

With nothing left to give.

Drowning in the depths of sorrow,

No tears left to cry.

A silent voice and distant eyes

That no one hears or sees.

And if tonight I die,

Who will cry?

--Jo A. Witt
Comments: 2 cuts - grab the blade.

Wednesday, August 11th, 2004

Posted by:xmaggotcircusx.
Time:11:05 am.
Mood: sad.
Ive gained weight again..im down to 120..sounds horrible I know. Im 5'9 so I guess im supposed to be like 135. All my life I never could control anything, EXCEPT my weight. Until I was fourteen I could wear a size 16 in little girls as a skirt. I tried it on the other day and its baggy..yay. Please somebody tell me im not a psychopath.

Comments: 3 cuts - grab the blade.

Sunday, June 20th, 2004

Posted by:fallenqt89.
Time:12:41 am.
=) hey all i lost 4 fucking pounds its not enough but its a start anyways im looking 4 more ana mia buddies if intrested go comment my lj saying u wanna b added=)<333

Comments: 1 cut - grab the blade.

Wednesday, June 9th, 2004

Posted by:luminarypyre.
Time:5:31 am.
Saving Myself
Chasing all my happiness away
I have nothing left I am bare
Throwing away these memories
How can you sit there and say you care

Finding that it is easier
To leave me here alone
Wondering what you will do next
I am trapped and fear is my home

A boat cast away with no motor
A feather falling down a canyon
Holding on to this that you pretend to want
Is what is feeling like the real challenge

I know I should open my eyes
People say I should not care
How can I live a monogomous life
Wishing you were here and there

Being cast away
Nothing left to do
I feel the truth is coming
Nothing I can say or do

You will leave me here alone
Crying like the idiot I am
Everyone told me just to run
Here I am wishing I had

People sat and wonder
How I could never just be me
I wish I could just really tell them
I am trying to save me.... from me
Comments: grab the blade.

Monday, June 7th, 2004

Subject:The first
Posted by:forlorndarkness.
Time:10:09 pm.
Mood: melancholy.
She runs the blade of the scissors over her skin. She doesn't cut - just scratches. She wants to cut, feel the pain, but she's too scared and feeble to actually cause the pain.

Why won't it just cut?!

She wonders if she really needs to dig the blade into her skin to make it bleed - bleed the desolation, the anguish, the feeling of futility. In her frustration, she tries harder and harder to slice the skin, but still only scratches. Pink scratches. Paltry. Nothing compared to the dark, cherry red she wishes would surface and run down her leg.

The scratches are prominent; it's clear she meant to hurt herself. But she wants more. She likes the way they look. Battle scars in the fight against depression, perhaps? No. She's not fighting it. Tonight she's giving in.

Everyone's entitled to their dark little secrets. Why shouldn't she?

She tries to put off the temptation to try again out of fear of being caught. But she can feel the stinging scratches, and she wants more.

I know it'll work if I just try hard enough.

She tries on other parts of her body. Drag it harder, dig it deeper.

Why won't it work??!!

One of the scratches shows tiny indications of blood.


A little bit of blood. She was almost going to give up. Tired. Disappointed. But now she feels... oddly determined. She can turn her body into the canvas for her hemorrhaging soul to paint upon with its silvery, shimmering brush.

A decent cut; she broke the skin. She just wishes it would bleed more.

Just one more cut…

It bleeds! Oh, how the strangest things bring her joy. This one's really bleeding. Maybe not oozing of her morbid life, but she's proud of it. She wants to keep on going but acknowledges that it's enough for tonight. She admires the welt-like marks on her thighs. A devilishly coy smile creeps on her face. There'll be more paintings on the canvas soon. There'll be more.
Comments: 1 cut - grab the blade.

Wednesday, June 2nd, 2004

Subject:New Wannabe Poet
Posted by:mel_b666.
Time:11:38 am.
Mood: creative.
Hey I'm new, my name's Melanie, but you can call me Mel, if you like. I'm really just looking for a place to let out my feelings (people round here don't believe in depression) and maybe someone to talk to. Like a pan-pal...only with e-mails...
I tried my hand at some poetry. I've never actually tried to write poetry before, preffering to take out my anger and stuff in less... productice ways, but I thought I'd give it a go. Tell me if I should just give up.
I won't take your criticism personallyCollapse )
Comments: 3 cuts - grab the blade.

Wednesday, May 26th, 2004

Subject:a poem by me
Posted by:luminarypyre.
Time:9:39 pm.
Mood: crappy.
He watched me there fall apart,
He told me not to care,
To break the heart of every guy,
That crossed my path, that dared..
I took his words and soaked them in,
I'm hurting people left and right,
I just can't seem to keep the guy,
I'm going to stay alone, that I just might,
I cannot bare to see myself,
In the mirror anymore,
I see of all the boys that I've hurt,
I've really become a whore,
I rant and rave at my past,
I'm really missing him right now,
For when he died he took,
The best of me somehow,
I'm missing him and I still can't find,
Anyone to be the replacement,
I'm wailing and crying and dying,
I can't seem to feel complacent,
I sit and wait and cry alone,
I'm waiting it feels like a dream,
No one really notices me,
It really makes me scream,
I hold on to the few precious memories,
With that a razor blade and a knife,
I'm hoping someone will come to me,
Lift up all this strife....
A broken hearted faggot is what I am,
Just another one in this world...

by: Eli C. (me)
Comments: grab the blade.

Monday, May 24th, 2004

Posted by:fallenqt89.
Time:6:39 pm.
hey everyone im new and i cut myself, burn myself, scratch myself im also anorexic and bulimic

Comments: 1 cut - grab the blade.

Wednesday, May 12th, 2004

Posted by:xxcemetarygrlxx.
Time:1:16 pm.
Mood: bitchy.
I'm new here but I have things that I often ponder over like 'why are we here'? Is there something/someone up there looking down on us and just laughing as we all run amock? Is this thing called life just a neverending game or is death a real thing?! I mean we all (even me) spend our lives searching for something that we will never find and we live our lives w/ such worry that we don't have time to actually live and just say fuck it and do whatever we want. Cuz if life is so short why don't we go out and do something about it?!
Comments: grab the blade.

Saturday, May 8th, 2004

Posted by:deaths_sorrow.
Time:7:38 pm.
Mood: Hollow.
I'm new to this community. Just thought i would put out some of my ideals to see if i would fit in.
Everything starts with one. The first love, the first kiss, the first test, your first car. Then there is your first loss, your first scar, your first tear, your first attempt, and your first failure. Everything begins with one. But what, or where does it all end? Does it ever end? Maybe, this infanite thing we call existance, isn't what it seems. Maybe the only constants are suffering. it's like taxes, and death! Everyone suffers. We are all maybe just a collection of souls, lost and wandering aimlessly about the universe, of nothingness and darkness. Where did i begin. The physical answer to that is obvious, but where, did "I" begin. The being that i have become today. Where did any of us begin. And when will we end?
Comments: grab the blade.

Tuesday, March 16th, 2004

Posted by:lost_sum1.
Time:10:55 pm.
Mood: blank.
hey im new... names alyx, ive been off and on depressive (suicide and eating disorder at one point) for about 2 years... i just recently started to "cut" its nothing super serious in my opinion cuz they are a few light scratches but im noticing that im doing it more often and i guess im starting to worry... i feel like im empty inside with nothing left, i hate myself and a lot of aspects in my life... everything has been going wrong recently and i just have no idea what to do, i have no where to vent my anger or frustration with life without it being spread around and so i decided to join.. wow first entries can be akward... if anyone wants to talk or anything my aim is brokentoshards or you can add me as a friend and whatnot.. i guess i'll be posting later~ alyx
Comments: grab the blade.

Thursday, March 11th, 2004

Subject:So They Tell Me I'm Depressed
Posted by:someday_soonish.
Time:10:03 pm.
Mood: exhausted.
You complain about being tired and they tell you that you are depressed and ship you off to a psychologist. Perhaps I need to invest in some caffeine pills... Why did I give that stuff up?
Comments: grab the blade.

Wednesday, December 3rd, 2003

Posted by:givingxupx4eve.
Time:8:51 am.
Hey im a newbie. I have a cutting/depression problem. blah. i feel like im in a surport group lol, i dont go out and shout about being depressed and stuff, i try to hide it but then i just cut. well if any one wants to comment on my journal or add me to thier friends list feel free, ill comment/ad you back.
Comments: grab the blade.

Saturday, July 12th, 2003

Posted by:sweetprince.
Time:5:41 pm.
*beauty hides inside your dreams*

every angst-filled teenage girl
has your soul shining from her face
you are so beautiful
you'll save the human race

hidden in your smoker's cough
is a voice whose song will grow and rise
to echo loudly through the years
though now these words just bring surprise

beneath track marks and nosebleeds
beneath annorexia and silly fears
beneath razor scars
beneath desperate tears
hidden under lies
that you try so hard to believe
i see your soul shining
though you think it only bleeds

have you looked into the mirror?
have you really seen your face?
you are so beautiful
you'll save the human race
Comments: grab the blade.

Wednesday, March 19th, 2003

Subject:my eyes...
Posted by:immortalized.
Time:10:58 pm.
my eyes burn so bad from cryin, i wanna cut, but the boy i like is making me promise not to, but im not promisin. i said i was posting here so i wouldnt do it. i dont even really cut, i just get a needle and put little cuts on my fingers. he wants to go on a break, and i am so upset because i am so inlove with him. and he should have said yesterday, cause i said about a break incase over the summer he meets another girl, or to just be on a break if he wants, but he said no. and now he wants one. i wasn't expectin it, i have had so many bad things happen in the past few days, and i can't deal. i wanna do the little cuts, i do...
Comments: grab the blade.

Wednesday, June 18th, 2003

Subject:hello, i'm new...
Posted by:immortalized.
Time:9:43 am.
hello, im new to this community. one of my best friends who is bipolar and other things, said not to long ago, that i need meds, cause i'm "depressed". does anyone know how you can tell if you actually are depressed?
Comments: 1 cut - grab the blade.

Tuesday, December 31st, 2002

Subject:im sick & tired of feeling this way, sick & tired of being alone.....
Posted by:schlenk666.
Time:1:09 pm.
Mood: lonely.
thats it im going on a diet....i just dont feel comfprtable in my own skin any more.....i feel shitty.....oh one of the guys who thinks im beautiful smiles every time he sees me.....its a lil weird....im lonely...i want someone to be with me...oh well....that sux major ass...i feel depressed, numb and empty.... reasons for me to want to cut....but no...i cant...too many ppl will be disappointed in me...and im sick of make ppl mad at me...im already mad at myself for being this way.....i dont need others to feel the same.....o look im whinning about my stupid life again...surprise surprise....my monthly bitch fest..and its always the same..."im fat, im ugly, im depressed, bla bla bla bla"......whats the point im always gonna hate myself i should just get used to it and move on right???...right...who cares if i hate the way i look, the way i feel, the way i hate every single thing about me?? no one thats right....no one.....just me....who cares if nobody gives a shit about me and that practacly no one has seen me @ on of my low points and could do something about it??? i mean who really gives a shit if i live or die??? no one....cause no one cept for a handful has seen the "real me".....no one has really seen all there is to see..i put up this wall that ppl have to struggle to get through and even when u think uve seen the other side u havent..its just more lies to make u think uve really seen it all...i dont know if i be willing to let any one in all the way....i dont think i can trust enough to do that....im too afraid to get hurt..im too afraid that when theyve seen it all they will look away w/ shame in their eyes or just be so let down by what they see cause they made me out to be something special and worthy of their love and attention....they will relize that im not special....they will see that im nothing more than shit....to be honest i dont even know who the real me is.....maybe ive been to afraid to look into myself and find that out....maybe i dont trust myself enough to find out who i am.....maybe im afraid that if i do ill look away w/ shame in my eyes....perhaps thats y i have the lies and the walls hiding me.....maybe its not just to save me from the thoughts of others....maybe its to save me from the thoughts of myself.....i dont want to know whats behind it all....i dont want to know who i am....what if i hate that person more than the on ive created....ive lied so many times and did so many things to myself that i dont know who i am...and that sux....its worse than all the other shit i feel...im nothing but a loser....what if i look inside and i find out that im boring and average?...what if im someone who i cant stand to be w/?......i cant just lock it up and go back pretending....once the flood gates are open its over and the lies are dead and the can never come back
Comments: 2 cuts - grab the blade.

Saturday, November 23rd, 2002

Posted by:gothic_angel_.
Time:12:55 pm.
Mood: distressed.
Well ive just joined on account of ive had problems with ODing on pills ive tried to kill myself so many times once i evan ended up in hospital really ill.Now im still depressed but i aint tried to in a while.Well im off

Comments: grab the blade.

Thursday, November 7th, 2002

Subject:It's been a while
Posted by:realitysgonemad.
Time:6:34 am.
Mood: depressed.
I haven't updated in here in a while.

I haven't been doing too good. I was making myself not cut, and was doing great. I mean I already had over 300 scars...why make more?
One night last week or so..I had a breakdown. Again. I've been having them frequently this month. Me and my boyfriend broke up, i'm having problems with my friends, not doing well in school, and my family they just hate me more then ever. Well..it all finally got to me, and I broke down. I grabbed a new razor blade, and cut. My ankles, my thighs, and my arm. I cut and cut and cut....and I couldn't stop bleeding. I covered a whole towel with blood...and they just wouldn't stop. I layed there, shaking on my bed [literally]....and I was in so much pain. I seriously thought I was dying, and they hurt so much, and they wouldn't stop bleeding, and if they did, they would start bleeding again.
Well I had to get up and do something, because I couldn't just lay there, by that time the shaking had stopped, but not the pain. I ended up counting...and I had 220 or more cuts. They were deep, and nasty.
It really hurt, I couldn't walk without pain for about two days afterwards.

I thought I was doing good, thought I wasn't going to cut, then stuff happens, and I go out of control like that. I have probably about 550 scars total...it's pretty sick. Those are just the scars that I've seen/can see, because some cuts dont scar.

Somebody in school saw my arm yesterday, because I didn't wear a hoodie. He was going to go tell an administrator about it today, but I told him not to.

Ugh..I think that's it.

~your favorite chainsaw kitty~
Comments: 12 cuts - grab the blade.

Thursday, October 31st, 2002

Subject:FUCK ME HARD!!!!!
Posted by:schlenk666.
Time:9:53 am.
Mood: melancholy.
im screwed royally.......on monday ill find out if i get to come back to nd or not.......well actually if i do get the boot they will put that i decided to be dismessed insted of saying i was expeled.....they say its not cause of the days i missed but the work...i tried to make the work up, but there is only so much work u can do in one night....if i get expeled i have to go to a public school....that means i wont be @ prom ....what am i gonna do??? im not good w/ new ppl in new schools....and im not very good w/ making new friends....its too hard for me to trust ppl to make new ones.....im gonna be alone for the next 2 years.....i know that i put all this on myself......y did i have to be so stupid????? y did i have to get so sick for so long???? im so stupid...im crying over something i did to myself......this is all my fucking fault.......i hate this.....now ill be even more alone than i thought i was....ill have no friends at a new school......i hate myself for this.....i really do....but its all my fault....anyways.....i wont be there manana because the devil woman (mrs nemergut) said i shouldnt bother coming cause its a 1/2 day....the worst part of this is that i wont even know until monday if im out or not...i have to wait w/ all this stress and anxiety for 3 days......what if i do something stupid to myself....what if i fail???? do u really think i can handle having no one to talk to @ a new school???? i dont.....im totally and compleatly fucked....anyways im prolly boring w/ the whining......
Comments: 1 cut - grab the blade.

Wednesday, October 30th, 2002

Posted by:lilflippyg.
Time:2:55 pm.
Hey everybody. I hope you have all been doing well. I know I haven't really posted a lot in this journal and what little I did post was quite some time ago. I guess I should tell you that I SI for about 2 years now so I have experience or whatnot. I guess I don't really know what I'm saying, but I'm going to come to you guys for help... Again. FOr school, I have been assigned a research paper on the topic of the causes of depression. Which is a more contributing factor to "serious" depression... Medical/scientific means.. or past experiences? If anyone could give me any input or information on your experiences or are willing to be interviewed, could you please comment or contact me? My contact info is on my information page. Thank you in advance and I hope to talk to you all later

Comments: 1 cut - grab the blade.

Saturday, August 3rd, 2002

Subject:A decent amount of blood...
Posted by:starfishgrrl.
Time:9:40 am.
Mood: artistic.
My fiance just recently started bugging me about us sharing our pasts, This im afraid of. I know that if he knew some of well most of the things in my past it would make him view me differently and i dont want that. I dont want him to know how ugly inside i was, how much hated myself, how the pain and the blood. I dont want him to have to see that ugly side. Im happy now and havent cut in months. But yeah i still getting the want to everyonce in awhile, i dont think that will ever go away. He swears that he wont hate me and that nothing i could ever say would make him leave me. But im not just scared, i dont want him to view me like i did or do.
Comments: grab the blade.

Saturday, July 20th, 2002

Posted by:schlenk666.
Time:1:37 pm.
Mood: depressed.
i still havent seen matt..i miss him...um...ive been really depressed lately..i dont really know y.....i just hate this fucking feeling..i dont want to be me no more...its just not fun....i feel like everybody is against me..and that no one really gives 2 shits about me and what happenes to me..w/ my fucking luck im right....everybody hates me...and if they love me i really dont understand it....i really dont deserve any of it...i deserve to be alone....im a bad fucking person....i lie to everyone about how i really feel...im shit....im nothing
Comments: grab the blade.

Friday, July 12th, 2002

Posted by:littledeadgirl.
Time:10:33 am.
Mood: aggravated.
Fuck. I did it again. I cut myself three times last night, once on the leg, twice on my wrist. I couldn't sleep because it stung. I can't believe I did that, ARRGGHHH!
Comments: grab the blade.

Thursday, July 11th, 2002

Posted by:littledeadgirl.
Time:7:03 pm.
I purple my hair
my nose
my mouth
my cheeks I paint blue
turning myself into a bruise for you
-Beverly Donofrio
Comments: grab the blade.

Wednesday, June 12th, 2002

Posted by:auralaur.
Time:1:09 pm.
This is a community for people who find the beauty in bleeding and burning and harming themselves. If you think blood is beautiful when you're so depressed that you have nothing else to do, then this community is for you. We'll be a support group for depression, but also understand and respect your love and need for the sight of blood. We understand.

more info
Comments: grab the blade.

Tuesday, May 28th, 2002

Posted by:kittyontheprowl.
Time:10:10 pm.
Mood: discontent.
does anyone ever comment in this community?? just curious. even if no one does, it's still a good place to vent. hope no one minds.

Comments: grab the blade.

Posted by:kittyontheprowl.
Time:10:08 pm.
Mood: dirty.
well, a bunch of new bloody marks on my stomach. gross. i'm disgusting. it's all my fault.

Comments: grab the blade.

Sunday, May 26th, 2002

Posted by:kittyontheprowl.
Time:11:55 pm.
Mood: sad.
cutting cutting...let's see who cares, not me not me...cutting cutting

Comments: 2 cuts - grab the blade.

Subject:new here. hurting kittykat
Posted by:kittyontheprowl.
Time:12:35 am.
Mood: lonely.
hi..i'm new. i'm in a few communities for cutting. i thought i'd join this one as well. sometimes i think the more i join the more i'll feel better and less alone and crazy.

me: well, you put me next to another girl and a man will not choose me. i'm no beauty and i'm depressed most of the time with scars all over my body to prove it. I have people tell me that they will never leave me or never jsut stop being my friend...and then they leave without saying a word. i'm hurt beyond words about this. fuck...why do i have to be who i am. i wish i were someone that at least one person wanted to stick by. but, no, no one does. everyone just leaves and finds someone easier and better to be with frienship wise or romantic wise. i'm such a fuck. i deserve all of the deep scars i've given myself, that's for sure. i'm already ugly, why not add. no one keeps a picture of me close to their heart. They probably all just throw it away in the near by dumpster as they are drinking down their coke with their beautiful friends. i'm lonely tonight, and when i'm lonely and realize how unloved I am by so many, i want to cut. i'd like to just take that sharp razor and glide it across my stomach nice and deep. teach myself not to let anyone say those words to me. I always hear,"oh no, I'd never just leave you. You're special." bla bla bla...and then what happens..they leave me. i'm all alone. i'm not worth anything to anyone, including myself. I probably hate me the most out of anyone actually. Someone just slap me.

Comments: 1 cut - grab the blade.

Friday, May 24th, 2002

Subject:I am scared..
Posted by:realitysgonemad.
Time:5:39 pm.
Mood: scared.
I am so scared right now. I don't know what to do about Ellen. She is cutting, but she is getting out of hand, and she's only 13 years old. She cuts everyday and for no reason. She thinks it's funny, and she laughs after she cuts. She's going to far. She's almost killed herself twice from cutting. One night she cut her vein, and she wouldn't stop bleeding, and she just said she was going to go to sleep, she woke up the next morning and she was still bleeding, she's really lucky she didn't die. One time she cut herself 117 times, just to test out "her new razor". Me and Justine are so scared, and she wont listen to us, no matter what we said. That's what I was crying about yesterday. She has damn cutting parties, where she gets a friend who cuts, and just cuts with them. I would never do that, I never cut for no reason, I cut when i'm really depressed, and something pushes me. I try not to cut, it's not like I want to. She wants to! She thinks it's funny. No matter what we say it wont make a difference, and that scares me. I don't know how long I will be able to handle it, and I hate when she shows me or talks about them. You don't flaunt that shit, to anybody. I know her and Carol just do it for attention, and that fucking bothers me. Me and Justine want to tell her mom, but we don't. I told Justine we have to, because this is life threatening, and I'm so scared as fuck. I will fucking tell their mom if I fucking have to. I will not let her die, and I know I have to do something about it soon, before she ends up doing something even more stupid then like cutting her vein a little. Justine said she wanted to talk to Ellen before she talked to her mom, although that wont make a difference, Ellen wont stop, and I don't know what to do. What should I do?

for those of you who don't know, ellen is my best friend, and justine is her sister
Comments: 2 cuts - grab the blade.

Wednesday, May 15th, 2002

Subject:Look At How Goddamn Ugly The Stars Are.
Posted by:starlightyasina.
Time:8:27 pm.
Mood: crushed.
This is my welcome post.
Yeah, I cut.
Yeah, I've tried to kill myself numerous times.
Yeah... I'm lonely.
I like Emo-Punk, and music and my few friends (Brianna, Vera, Ben, Justin, Metaka and Anita) mean everything to me.
I like anime, manga, japanese culture, and poetry as well.
I've been a psych ward before.
http://www.med.umich.edu/mott to be exact.
I'm 14, my name is Brittany.
I hate myself.
Comments: 3 cuts - grab the blade.

Monday, May 13th, 2002

Posted by:realitysgonemad.
Time:11:50 pm.
Anybody know how to get the blade out of a razor?
Comments: grab the blade.

Posted by:schlenk666.
Time:2:34 pm.
Mood: pissed off.
i was bored so i was looking at random DJs and one of Alex's friends bobs came up....being curious i looked at his site.....he has some bullshit site about my father where he stole my pics and on top of that shit he makes fun of my father and my family....that is fucked up......i know i have done nothing to bob ever.....i was nice to him and so was my family.....my family is none of his fucking business.....he even made fun of my dad being blind.....i dont understand y these shit heads do this fucking crap all the fucking time.....i fucking hate them.....
Comments: grab the blade.

Sunday, May 5th, 2002

Subject:I haven't updated here in a while..
Posted by:realitysgonemad.
Time:10:15 pm.
..I would just like you all to know. I have stopped cutting. I went through a lot, and all of my friends cutting, and then I yelled at them for it, and realized how stupid it was [for me] to cut. I understand my reasons for doing it, but I also didn't want to live with the scars for the rest of my life. Also in the time that I posted last I went out with this guy, who cut his arms over 280 times, and that's just his arms, and he was covered with scars. My friends have helped me a lot, and I just didn't want to end up hurting myself bad.
Comments: grab the blade.

Friday, May 3rd, 2002

Subject:fucked up
Posted by:deadkode.
Time:2:03 am.
last sunday, one of my sisters best friends, a 12 year old boy, hung himself.

thats fucked up.
nobody should ever feel the need for it to come to that, ever.⁄
Comments: 1 cut - grab the blade.

Sunday, April 28th, 2002

Posted by:sweetprince.
Time:10:55 pm.
i started cutting myself when i was really little, 7 years old or so. it just felt like the natural way to punish myself, or to let out my feelings. i've endured various traumatic experiences, i've been diagnosed with various disorders, etc etc. when i acquired motivation to stop cutting myself, though, i tried to see it as a personal battle of inner strength, rather than an attempt to deal with the psychological results of trauma or what-have-you.

the longest i've gone without cutting myself lately, was sometime last year, when i didn't cut for 63 days. as of now, i haven't cut myself since 9 april. every time i relapse and have to start counting from day one again, i keep telling myself, "this time i'll beat the record. maybe i'll never need to draw another red teardrop on my calendar again!"

but it's a cycle that keeps repeating itself. i've not been able to go that long without cutting myself again. i try very hard. but i always fail. i don't want to fail anymore. i look at my body and i feel sad. i have visible scars up and down my forearms, and on my wrists. up and down both of my legs too. and the worst, always hidden by my clothing, is my left hip/thigh. the entire expanse is covered by a thick web of scarlines, interspersed by welts of scar tissue from when i cut very very very deep.

i want to take care of my body. i want to stop destroying myself. so far, it's been a defense-mechanism, it's been a method of survival, but i've reached a point in my life where 'self-destruction for the sake of survival' seems like an unnecessary paradox.

so many people tell me that i'm strong. i've even been told that i'm one of the strongest people they've known. but that doesn't mean anything to me, because if i were strong in my own eyes, then i'd be able to overcome the urge to drag a razor through my skin, because i know i don't WANT to do it.

now, i'm sitting here late at night, feeling overwhelmed by various things in my life, feeling disappointed, feeling like i could be doing much better at everything. so i'm writing this, in hopes that writing ABOUT cutting will satiate the urge, and i end up actually doing it. i don't know if it will work, to write to a nebulous open forum like this. in the past, it's helped me a great deal to write to my friend des, but even though he's always there for me and he wants to help me, i feel guilty continually needing to turn to him. i don't want to drain his energy, i don't want to keep disappointing him and reminding him that there's no end in sight to my struggle.
Comments: grab the blade.

Saturday, April 27th, 2002

Posted by:lilflippyg.
Time:5:07 pm.
Hi there. I haven't posted in here in a while, I know. But I was wondering if anyone had an extra code...?
Comments: grab the blade.

Thursday, April 25th, 2002

Subject:Your the cut that lies across my chest...
Posted by:starfishgrrl.
Time:10:56 pm.
I feel useless for thinking i meant something to him. I feel stupid for letting him treat me like a whore. Im so angry at myself for letting people control my emotions. I cant seem to get my head together, and that scares me. I hate myself right now and it makes me sick to even be in this skin.
Feeling so useless
feeling so used
feeling so stupid
for letting you in...
Comments: grab the blade.

Subject:tank top
Posted by:silently_psycho.
Time:5:46 pm.
Mood: relieved.
i wear a tank top today

with nothing over it

my scars were visible.

i wore it in public.

to our band performance today. festival.


no one said anything,

i was so relieved
Comments: grab the blade.

Wednesday, April 24th, 2002

Posted by:schlenk666.
Time:10:45 am.
Mood: depressed.
im not doing good at all.....for a while i didn't have any urges to cut and i wasn't even feeling that depressed.....but lately i keep wanting to just kill myself and get it all over w/....i just want to grab my fucking razor and just slit my god damn wrists.....but i dont want to fucking die....i just want to get rid of the way i feel...i cant deal feeling like this all the time.....i really cant....i cant act like everything is all right while im in so much fucking pain....i cant keep going on w/ the depression and the god damn cutting....i just cant handle being like this anymore....
Comments: grab the blade.

Saturday, April 20th, 2002

Subject:Paint it black
Posted by:starfishgrrl.
Time:10:21 pm.
Mood: awake.
I went through a really bad time this month. I got into a depressed mood i just couldnt get out of. I overdosed on pills and had to go get my stomach pumped. Since that though its odd i feel a new sense of peace in myself. I wish i knew for sure that it would last, but im not. I will probably get depressed again, i will probably cut again. But ill be stronger i hope.
Comments: grab the blade.

Thursday, April 18th, 2002

Posted by:schlenk666.
Time:6:39 pm.
Mood: pissed off.
today my mom was supposed to pick me up early from school cause she had to go somewhere and no one was there to watch erika, so i go to the office when i was supposed to and she didnt show up until 2 hours later....she went to the fucking beach w/ my sis and her boyfriend.....while i sat by my self in a fucking boiling office(the ac broke)she was swimming and having fun totally forgeting about me....then we went to the milford mall, we went to 1 fucking store and then she starts saying she wants to go home cause her sun burn hurt....stuff like this makes me feel like shit it makes it seem like her and her bf r more important than me...maybe im over reacting but stuff like this hurts....i get ignored by everyone else and now my own mother is doing the same shit..
Comments: grab the blade.

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