El Meow (schlenk666) wrote in fallen_souls,
El Meow

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im sick & tired of feeling this way, sick & tired of being alone.....

thats it im going on a diet....i just dont feel comfprtable in my own skin any more.....i feel shitty.....oh one of the guys who thinks im beautiful smiles every time he sees me.....its a lil weird....im lonely...i want someone to be with me...oh well....that sux major ass...i feel depressed, numb and empty.... reasons for me to want to cut....but no...i cant...too many ppl will be disappointed in me...and im sick of make ppl mad at me...im already mad at myself for being this way.....i dont need others to feel the same.....o look im whinning about my stupid life again...surprise surprise....my monthly bitch fest..and its always the same..."im fat, im ugly, im depressed, bla bla bla bla"......whats the point im always gonna hate myself i should just get used to it and move on right???...right...who cares if i hate the way i look, the way i feel, the way i hate every single thing about me?? no one thats right....no one.....just me....who cares if nobody gives a shit about me and that practacly no one has seen me @ on of my low points and could do something about it??? i mean who really gives a shit if i live or die??? no one....cause no one cept for a handful has seen the "real me".....no one has really seen all there is to see..i put up this wall that ppl have to struggle to get through and even when u think uve seen the other side u havent..its just more lies to make u think uve really seen it all...i dont know if i be willing to let any one in all the way....i dont think i can trust enough to do that....im too afraid to get hurt..im too afraid that when theyve seen it all they will look away w/ shame in their eyes or just be so let down by what they see cause they made me out to be something special and worthy of their love and attention....they will relize that im not special....they will see that im nothing more than shit....to be honest i dont even know who the real me is.....maybe ive been to afraid to look into myself and find that out....maybe i dont trust myself enough to find out who i am.....maybe im afraid that if i do ill look away w/ shame in my eyes....perhaps thats y i have the lies and the walls hiding me.....maybe its not just to save me from the thoughts of others....maybe its to save me from the thoughts of myself.....i dont want to know whats behind it all....i dont want to know who i am....what if i hate that person more than the on ive created....ive lied so many times and did so many things to myself that i dont know who i am...and that sux....its worse than all the other shit i feel...im nothing but a loser....what if i look inside and i find out that im boring and average?...what if im someone who i cant stand to be w/?......i cant just lock it up and go back pretending....once the flood gates are open its over and the lies are dead and the can never come back
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first off
I love the icon with brandon boyd
Just was browsing fallen_souls to see what it was all about and read ur post.. It's weird that people you have never met in your entire life.. can feel almost exactly the same as you do and I can relate in so many ways in that post it's not even funny
take care
xoxo stephanie
i know how you feel, its like being totally empty inside and hating the entire world around you becuase you arent happy with yourself, there's no one to turn to and no where to go or hide from the possibility that you are exactly as you perceive yourself to be... i know what its like to hide behind a wall and not to trust people and let them in... there are others that feel the same way!! you arent alone!!!